What actions of a man can be tolerated, and what should be nipped in the bud? The director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You”, family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships Elena Kuznetsova tells the story.
Assault
Under no circumstances should you forgive him, because it is a threat to the beauty, health and even life of a woman. From a man who is worth running away from, because the situation will definitely repeat itself over time. According to Kuznetsova, the stronger sex is divided into two categories: those who would never hit a woman under any circumstances, and those who do not consider a fight with a young lady to be something out of the ordinary. It all depends on the conditions and in what family the man was raised. If he saw how, then, most likely, he will transfer this experience into his life.
“If such a situation is unacceptable for a woman, it is worth remembering that it will happen again. And if there is a threat to you and your children, you need to save yourself,” states the psychologist. At the same time, Kuznetsova notes that some women do not see a problem in the fact that their husband sometimes fights. They sincerely believe that “hitting means loving.” Typically, ladies with such a position in life also grew up in a family where parental “fist fights” were the norm.
Narcissism and selfishness
A normal woman, who was loved and pampered as a child, is unlikely to pay attention to. Usually, ladies who are accustomed to being on the sidelines from a very early age are “tailored” to this type. People don’t become narcissists or egoists overnight, and it turns out that a woman who decided to have a relationship with such a man made a conscious choice. And he will live with such a partner.
If, even at the dating stage, a girl suddenly realizes that she has got an egoist or a narcissist, and this does not suit her, then she must break up with the man. It will not change in the future; on the contrary, the situation will only get worse. Your partner will do everything first and foremost for himself, as well. If you're not used to this, run.
Greed
If a woman was not spoiled as a child, then it is not surprising that she will get a greedy man. However, if a woman is “tailored” to a different type, and during the candy-bouquet period it suddenly turns out that she is, you shouldn’t expect a miracle - the boyfriend will not change.
Greed is always noticeable, if not immediately, but nevertheless. For example, it happened in an expensive restaurant - the gentleman was trying to impress, shushed him, and then suddenly began to sharply save money and invite him exclusively to cheap cafes. Another bad call - your partner reproaches you for squandering: “It’s too expensive”, “Why did you buy this?”, “Don’t you mind spending 1000 rubles on lipstick?” etc.
In addition, greedy men like to complain about the high cost: “How prices have risen in stores, coffee cost 120 rubles, and now it’s 123 rubles,” “How expensive movie tickets have become, we went to the morning show, it’s the cheapest,” etc. Of course, any man can talk about rising prices, but the greedy one will not just state a fact, but will focus attention.
Kuznetsova warns that it is impossible to rehabilitate a greedy person. And if you start reproaching him for greed, you will only provoke a scandal.
Dangerous addictions
Alcoholism and drug addiction are a disease. A woman who lives with a man suffering from harmful addictions, even if he is coded, will always be as if on a volcano. This volcano could wake up at any moment.
The only situation where almost nothing can be done is if the spouse went on a spree with a young lady - it is almost impossible to compete with a young body. Here one can only sympathize with the woman, advise her to be patient and wait until the “demon in the rib” of her husband calms down. As men age, they value comfort very much; it is important to them by 70%, or even more. Representatives of the stronger sex quickly get used to a young body, but the young ladies cannot give them the comfort that their wife provided, so there is a constant “swing”. A man is torn between two women, constantly forced to choose between sex with a young mistress and an established life. Some representatives of the stronger sex, tired of this situation, still prefer to return to the family.
Helpful information
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You”, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35. Call on weekdays from 11:00 to 19:00.Aggression towards children and animals
“Animals, children and old people are sacred. And if a man behaves aggressively towards them, run away from him. Aggression is a diagnosis. You could become the next victim,” Kuznetsova warns. She advises not to hush up any situation that shocks you, but to talk to your partner, otherwise it will only get worse.
“I would compare the situation to a stocking unraveling. If one loop has come loose, you can pick it up unnoticed. Yes, there will be a trace, but a small one. But when the “arrow” has already started, you won’t be able to reassemble it, the seam will be too visible,” states the family psychologist.
If you want to suggest your topics regarding interpersonal relationships, write to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .
Anything can happen in life: passionate love is shattered by trifles, quarrels arise, the couple sometimes runs away, sometimes comes running, and in the end something terrible can happen: betrayal. What is there to hide, most often men are guilty of this. If you are also faced with this fact, then let’s figure it out - is it possible to forgive a guy’s betrayal?
What kinds of betrayals are there?
Treason and treason are different. Although she is disgusting in any form. And yet, let's list all the options in which this nasty event occurred:
- in a drunken stupor at a party;
- when the couple temporarily separated;
- the guy is hiding a long relationship with another;
- a man cheats constantly;
- away from home due to a forced long separation;
- it was a long, long time ago;
You see how many facets there are to betrayal. Some of them are truly unforgivable, but there are situations when you need to “understand and forgive” - as the well-known security guard Bearded said. You just need to figure out where there really is betrayal and where there is a mistake.
When cheating is forgivable
Yes, there are times when you need to try to put aside your emotions, even though it is difficult, and understand what happened.
It was a long, long time ago
Youth is stupidity. Sometimes at this age we make such mistakes that we are ashamed of them all our lives. I don’t even want to remember, sins are erased from memory, but some circumstances or people from the past remind us of these shameful mistakes.
Just imagine: you have lived with your current husband for many years. Your relationship before the wedding was still shaky, you quarreled and made up, you didn’t really trust each other, and you yourself “collected skeletons in the closet.” In general, both sinned to the fullest.
And yet you started a family, gave birth to children and completely began to trust each other. But each of you decided to “bury these skeletons” and never tell about your secret in your life. What happened was what happened.
And then, ten years later, some friend from your youth appears in your life, whom your husband cannot stomach. Having dug into the past, you learned from this friend that your husband once slept with her a long time ago.
Scandal? Undoubtedly! But the husband is not happy about the appearance of this lady, but on the contrary, he repents for the past, she disgusts him.
He is already an exemplary family man, so why stir up what happened once upon a time?
You just need to say goodbye to your ex-girlfriend so that it doesn’t loom like a bad memory, and move on with your life.
When the couple temporarily separated
Temporarily means they quarreled, and whether they will make peace at all is unknown. It seems that everyone has gone their own way, although they keep a small distance from their beloved. And he does it cunningly: he seems to suffer, he seems to turn up his nose, but the main thing is that he maintains “the appearance of morality.” For now.
If the separation drags on, then the body in men requires a “shake-up”. It is at this time that betrayal can occur. But if the love for your ex-girlfriend is still great, then there is nothing serious in this connection yet.
And then there is reconciliation. And when everything becomes clear, a new, huge scandal occurs. And if the couple was not in a simple relationship, but was married, then an ironclad argument is used: “We haven’t had time to get a divorce yet, and you’ve already managed to run away to the left!”
There should not be a question here: forgive your husband’s infidelity or get a divorce, here there should be work on mistakes - this is what happens when a woman shows her obstinate character and does not agree to reconciliation.
When it's very difficult to forgive
These variants of betrayal can be classified as “second degree of severity.” It doesn’t seem like a betrayal, but it’s just as disgusting. But even in these cases, you need to overcome your “state of passion” and think about forgiveness with a cool head.
In a drunken stupor at a party
If you are strong, brave, dexterous and very sexy - go home. You're drunk.
Joke
Do you know this feeling? Yes, yes, it is in this state that all sorts of incidents occur, and for men the craving for exploits “under the influence” increases twice as much. And if at the same time he is seduced by some lady, then he generally becomes unbridled.
But is it worth forgiving a guy’s drunken betrayal if you think that alcohol is not an argument in his justification? It's all about his next actions:
- Does he have sincere repentance?
- Is he trying to make amends in some way?
- Is the guy disgusted by everything that happened?
- Did he himself want to “give up” drinking and does he avoid the hot spots?
It won’t be easy, but if you see that your loved one is bending over backwards to beg your forgiveness, then it would be worth forgetting everything for the first time.
In this case, this is his work on his mistakes, and if he has sincere repentance, then he will really never cheat again. And if he drinks, it will only be with his family and away from dubious beauties.
Far from home due to a forced long separation
Long business trips, the distance of work, rest and study from home sometimes knock spouses or just a couple in love out of their usual rhythm. There is no physical intimacy, only calls and correspondence. It is during this long period of time that a man can “break down.”
Of course, he will want to hide this shameful fact, but more often than not, the secret becomes clear. But according to psychologists, even this heinous act sometimes needs to be forgiven, if there is something in the name of love, children or long years lived.
Many men do not consider physical intimacy to be spiritual betrayal.
That's why prostitutes exist - as a simulator for getting rid of semen and oppressive testosterone. And it’s unlikely that your man will ever remember even the name of that distant and unnecessary woman.
When you can't forgive betrayal
Well, now about what is not forgotten and not forgiven. Those cases when a man does not repent and specifically betrays his “beloved”.
The guy is hiding a long relationship with another
That’s how he works on two fronts, and if he’s married, he generally lives for two families. This is not cheating while drunk, when you are shocked by yourself, and not even cheating at a distance, when it was unbearable. This is a conscious betrayal of both women.
Do you know why you can’t forgive such a betrayal of a man? Because he doesn't respect or love you.
Maybe he has some feeling for you, but it is very fragile. If some kind of misfortune happens to you, he will immediately disown you in order to get away with it himself. Because it's two-faced.
Of course, whether to forgive your partner or not is your decision. But do you want to know what awaits you? But read the article and you will understand.
A man cheats constantly
The reason is simple - he is a reveler. There is another definition that replaces the word "reveler", but it contains profanity.
It is almost impossible to rehabilitate such a womanizer; you have to leave him or kick him out of the house.
Why can’t you forgive a man’s constant betrayal?
You yourself will become overgrown with complexes and suffering.
Everyone around you will see this: someone will laugh at you, someone will feel sorry for you.
You yourself also have the right to privacy and love, which you are deprived of. And it’s high time for you to change your destiny, if your destiny is betraying you.
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the superpower to “read” men. It’s like Sherlock Holmes: you look at a man and you immediately know everything about him and understand what’s on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any problems in your relationship at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you can’t read other people’s thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
If you're interested, you can. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 seats specifically for visitors to our site.
It is generally accepted that only men are capable of polygamy. But opinion polls conducted by US scientists refute this stereotype. Participants were asked a piquant question: “Are you willing to be unfaithful to your long-term partner if he doesn’t know about it or not?” The results surprised even experienced researchers. 82% of representatives of the stronger half of humanity predictably gave an affirmative answer. The ladies' performance was slightly different. 78% would agree to adultery, taking advantage of their spouse’s ignorance. Unfortunately, infidelity is so common that most people accept an affair as normal and do not regret what they did.
All people tend to fantasize about erotic themes. They do not always turn into reality, because a person is able to consciously control his own behavior, despite the “innate instincts” that the notorious Sigmund Freud spoke about. Modern science confirms the psychologist’s opinion about the importance of libido (sexual desire) for each of us.
Should I forgive my husband's betrayal? The answer of psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky is that it is impossible to give a universal recipe. Some do not consider their spouse’s contacts on the side to be a tragedy, others cannot forgive infidelity. The interpretation of adultery is also different. Many people mean by the concept of “betrayal” sexual contacts outside of marriage. In fact, the point is to hide this fact. This is a deception, typical phrases like “I took care of your feelings, that’s why I hid them.” Behind such formulation lies true hypocrisy. Relationships in which such a scenario is realized are flawed from the very beginning, only behind the veil of love and idealization of the chosen one you did not notice this.
Why does it hurt so much?
Is it possible to forgive your husband's betrayal? Each person decides for himself what is considered acceptable in married life and what is not. Sometimes the one who has forgiven the betrayal makes a decision under the influence of his own fear of losing a partner or unhealthy neurotic love, a willingness to endure, remain silent, and hide true emotions. This indicates a person's weakness of character.
According to Mikhail Labkovsky, most of these people have experienced a similar feeling before. Their parents betrayed them, sending them to be raised in another city, leaving to work, and not picking them up from kindergarten. The child is accustomed to insults and carries these feelings into adulthood. How can I leave if I have a common house, a loan, small children, I don’t want to share property, I’m used to such unlucky things, I’ll put up with it and fall in love. Typical victim psychology. A vicious circle of suffering into which a person plunges himself.
Whether it is worth accepting him back into the family is up to you to decide. There are also many cases when a woman forgave her husband for cheating, the couple reconsidered the relationship and everything worked out. But first, you should definitely discuss the rules of cohabitation that suit both of you, find out the reasons for infidelity, and work together to eliminate them.
Pitfalls of adultery
Psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya advises trying to understand what forced a person to do this. Especially if the husband does not admit his own guilt and does not regret what happened. Imagine how bad family life must be for a person to betray a loved one and not repent? It’s worth reconsidering your relationship, analyzing it, looking for problem areas that you may not have noticed in the everyday hustle and bustle and monotony of life.
If your husband asks for forgiveness for cheating, it’s up to you to make the decision.
You can listen to the recommendations of your best friend, the advice of experienced colleagues, but do not try to shift responsibility for your own life onto them. To the question of whether it is worth forgiving your husband’s infidelity, the forum of devoted women will not give an exact answer, because each situation is individual and requires a special approach. Seek help from a psychologist to understand yourself, analyze the hidden subtext of family problems, and your own weaknesses. After all, as Polina Gaverdovskaya reminds, the cause of suffering is hidden in ourselves. Sometimes jealousy, panic fear of losing a loved one is a projection of a vicious experience, a manifestation of internal insecurity.
It is especially important that spouses forgive past grievances and misunderstandings and move on together or separately if the couple has children together. Family crises are especially difficult for younger family members due to immaturity, lack of life experience and attachment to both parents. You cannot turn children's love into a weapon, a method of manipulation.
Only a loved one who did not live up to our expectations, did not remain faithful, or succumbed to temptation can cause pain. But why place such hope on your husband and is this not an attempt to transfer some of the responsibility for your own life?
How to forgive an unfaithful husband?
To answer common life questions: “Should I forgive my husband’s betrayal or is it better to leave? How to get rid of the feeling of humiliation and resentment? Mikhail Labkovsky answers evasively. After a thorough review of the conditions of the family dormitory and work on the mistakes made, it is quite possible to build a renewed family connection. General recommendations are limited to advice to work with a good psychologist and increase self-esteem. Confident women do not cling to a man; they have no fear of loneliness. Upon meeting her, it is immediately clear: her partner’s adultery will be regarded as a manifestation of unworthiness. She will leave the relationship without delay, doubt, pity. Accordingly, if a man values relationships, he will not tempt fate with connections on the side.
No one has an indulgence for lifelong fidelity, but self-respecting people live fully and count on open, honest family relationships. Adultery in such couples is rare, and separations are almost painless.
You need to gradually get out of a state of depression, which can be compared to the state of a person who has suffered a serious illness. First, analyze your feelings, the true causes of mental pain. It’s better to take a short break in the relationship and move to a safe distance. Important decisions must be made with a cool head.
When you feel ready for a serious conversation, arrange a meeting with your spouse on neutral territory, for example, in a cafe. Avoid accusations, emotional attacks, and raised voices. Forget about feeling sorry for yourself. Find out the reasons for the action, the man’s own vision of the situation. The conversation should be frank and calm. Make a common decision.
Instead of an afterword
To love means to listen to another person, to adapt, to compromise, to try to understand thoughts, feelings, needs, and to explore interests. Try to make the life of your loved one more pleasant. Over time, the idyll of mutual understanding can be destroyed under the influence of routine, lack of diversity, conflicts, and misunderstandings. Constant work on relationships, trust and attention to your partner, creating the opportunity to openly discuss issues that concern you with your other half is the best prevention of adultery and the basis of a happy family union.
Valeria Protasova
Reading time: 4 minutes
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Surely every person has his own list of words and actions that should never be forgiven to anyone. But love and close relationships often force us to reconsider our principles, and sometimes even change them.
Falling in love sometimes closes a woman’s eyes to the ugly masculine actions of her partner, often forcing her to forgive what, in general, should not be forgiven.
So, what actions and words can never be forgiven even to a beloved man?
- Treason.
On the topic of unforgiveness of betrayal, the opinions of women and men unanimously agree in their majority - you cannot forgive betrayal! Infidelity contains several negative aspects - this is the pain of realizing the deception of a loved one, hatred of betrayal, and unbearability from the thought that he was close to another woman, this is also the torment of the fact that someone has broken into the close world of your relationship with your partner also, having soiled and desecrated the Temple of your love. Sometimes even a very strong person cannot forgive betrayal, and the fact of betrayal can simply trample a weak, sensitive person.
Should I forgive someone who cheated? Of course, everyone decides this for themselves. But remember that to forgive does not mean living the rest of your life with a person under the yoke of suspicion, pain and this resentment. Forgiving betrayal means letting go of the situation, completely clearing your heart of grievances and starting life from scratch, never returning to the past. Read also: - The man raised his hand to the woman.
The sad statistics provided by psychologists indicate that the fact of the first case, when, soon becomes part of his rule of communication with his partner. A man by nature is very strong, and he is able to protect his loved ones, as well as refrain from excessive emotionality and aggression. A strong man will never allow himself to humiliate a loved one.
The one who raised his hand to a woman is a creature with an unbalanced psyche, who will easily do it the second and tenth time, each time becoming more and more excited and using more and more sophisticated methods of humiliating his wife. - A man beats children.
While the debate continues about whether physical punishment of children is necessary or is not permissible, those men who do not have the right to be called men open their hands to their children, explaining this with fatherly love and the desire to raise them to be good people.
The highest role of a mother is to protect her children. from all the cruelties in this world. So is it worth forgiving a person who regularly tortures your flesh and blood? Is your love for your husband or the habit of living with him worth all the humiliation, physical and moral pain of your child? - Lie.
Whatever a man's lie - small or big - it can become a serious obstacle to this couple's path to happiness. As a rule, it is small lies that undermine relationships - every day, bit by bit, suddenly over time growing into a snowball that can no longer be moved to the side. A man's lie is a serious reason to doubt his feelings and sincerity . Relationships are built on trust; if there is no trust, there will be no love. - Public words of insult towards a woman.
Dirty words spoken by a man in public should not be forgiven. If a man suddenly begins to share intimate secrets of your relationship with friends, rudely criticize you, and utter obscene expressions at you, this is a serious reason to reconsider your relationship with him. Under no circumstances should a man be forgiven for such behavior. - unless, of course, you want to remain humiliated and insulted for the rest of your life, and possibly beaten, in public. - Disrespectful attitude towards women.
“That blonde has a super figure, and after giving birth you spread out like a cow”, “What do you care about this woman, you don’t even know how to cook”, “My ex kept order, but yours is always a mess” - and so they continue Comparisons of you with all women on Earth, naturally, are not in your favor. Should this be forgiven?
Respect is one of the pillars on which Love stands. There is no respect for you - and this love becomes “lame”, or maybe it doesn’t exist at all. Most likely, the painfulness of his own EGO forces a man to compare you with other women, humiliating you. Do you really need this weakling? - Men's laziness.
How often in life do we see families in which the woman is “me and the horse, me and the bull, me and the woman and the man,” and the man lies on the couch, finding endless excuses for his passivity... Such a man is not looking for additional opportunities to earn money , he does not try to solve financial crisis situations in the family, does not do any housework. The most favorite pastimes of such a man are watching TV, lying on the couch, meeting friends in the garage or beer bar, fishing, eternal smoke breaks...
Are you sure that at the moment when you are suddenly unable to provide for your family and do all the housework, your man will take upon himself to solve the problems? So Is it necessary to put up with his passivity today? – the answer is quite obvious. - A man's greed.
It is very difficult for a woman to feel loved and desired if her man is stingy with gifts and purchases. In such couples, constant friction arises over supposedly excessive spending on the part of the wife and children. The woman in such a couple is unlikely to receive luxurious gifts, and if bouquets are bought for her, it is only based on the principles of economy - cheaper, discounted.
With such a situation, any woman, if she has not completely given up on her life, will be very difficult to come to terms with . And is it necessary to forgive a man for greed? - Insults to your relatives.
If a man sincerely loves you, he will never stoop to insulting your parents, children from a previous marriage, brothers, sisters, etc.
According to many people, under no circumstances You can’t forgive your man for insulting his family - even if they were uttered in the heat of the moment, and one cannot forgive his ugly actions towards relatives. - Bad habits of men.
Under no circumstances should a woman put up with the most common bad male habits - drug addiction, gambling addiction. A man who seeks solace in these manias of his does not actually love you - these passions replace love for him. Although he can swear his eternal love for you - but of course, it is very convenient for him to return after night drinking or after major losses to the house, where he will be fed, reassured, and caressed.
Alcoholism, gambling, and drug addiction cannot be forgiven for a man! - Male egoism and egocentrism.
Your man speaks only about himself, attributing all family achievements to himself. He is ready to go on vacation to the country that he chooses; it is he who decides which friends should be friends with you, and which ones should forget the way to your house. A selfish man constantly desires attention to himself, but is very stingy in giving attention to his companion or children.
By forgiving male egoism and coming to terms with this state of affairs, a woman a priori assigns himself secondary roles in his life. But excuse me - where is the love here?!
